20 August 2017
Alice was only half right – school is out but not for ever. They do have to go back.
It is with some relief I find myself in the box room not feeling sick, with a full head of hair and with no sign of radioactive ash covering the Murray Castle gardens. It appears that when push came to shove Kim Jung and Donald were a lot less ‘Fire and Fury’ and a lot more ‘Piss and Wind’. What a surprise! Nuclear war avoided once again. Yawn!
Last week and after a rush of blood to the head online UK estate agent eMoov produced a map illustrating the best place to live to avoid nuclear fallout. To ensure your survival it looks like you will have to move to Inverness. Or Skegness. Neither of which light my fire.
On Tuesday of next week the schools go back after their lengthy summer break. As Alice has not seen the light of day much before lunchtime for the last seven weeks I don’t expect it to be an easy morning.
It will be her fourteenth birthday in a 10 days time and we are both really excited. She is getting a new iPhone and as a special surprise I am getting her a job. I have mentioned this before and I remain convinced that embracing the opportunity to enter the world of repetitive mindless drudgery will do her the power of good.
Last week she shared her aspirations with me. She said “I’ve been thinking Dad. I either want a job where I don’t have to work hard but still get lots of money, or a job where I am really busy but really enjoy it”.
“No problem at all!” I said.
No point in crushing her dreams with a dose of reality just yet. I’ll let her think she can do better than whatever part-time nightmare I arrange for her. I’ll wait until after Christmas before I reveal the truth.
There is precious little interesting to share this week. I had four days at my desk in the office where I worked and ate things in equal measure.
The Domestic Manager has been away in England all week so it has been light duties for me in the evenings. Ensuring my dirty washing finds the laundry bin being the most taxing task.
Due to our cars being in the wrong place and with a need to visit another office, on Tuesday I got to bed at midnight and got up again at 4am. After which I discovered going without sleep was a lot more challenging than it used to be 20 years ago, both on the day and throughout the next.
Thursday I returned the car to the garage. Despite my recent investment in new brakes at the back the handbrake would not hold it in a gentle breeze. They were most apologetic and dealt with it straight away, but I didn’t feel the same warmth I do when I am giving them lots of money.
I also arranged to have lunch with my old boss. When Ma’am left the firm people were asked to share their most powerful memory of working with her. Everyone said exactly the same thing, that being she was s ‘Total professional’. WHich proves we are like chalk and cheese. Probably why we get on so well.
Saturday we went to my parents where I experimented with BBQ-ing kippers. A true partial success if ever there was one.
My Mother contributed a foot long sausage roll. ‘What the hell am I meant to do with that?’ I thought.
As soon as I woke up this morning I took a deep breath and got on the scales. They took the strain of my 13st 11lb (193lbs) without breaking, which was a plus. According to the NHS height and weight chart I am officially a ‘Great Big Jessie’.
Just to clarify, the English chart labels are:
Very Underweight
Underweight
Normal
Overweight
Obese
Morbidly Obese
The Scottish ones are:
Streak O’ piss
Scrawny fanny
No bad
Big Jessie
Fat Bastard
Jees-oh!
I should be 11st 7lb (161lb) so no more pies for me. For a week or so anyway.
Earlier today I was back doing battle at the bottom of the garden.
Still work in progress as you can see. There are things living in that vegetation. Things that bite you. I know because they bit me. Hope they weren’t venomous.
Finally I have decided to only post my blog every two weeks after today so my next contribution will be the weekend of 2 and 3 of September.
Apologies for this. I know some readers look forward to it on a Monday morning, but the quality has been declining for some time due to my life not being that exciting. Having said that if Neve Campbell knocks on my door in the next seven days I will not hesitate to share every detail.
I will finish with a couple of excerpts from the book.
Line Manager: 1. Person to whom you report 2. Person who has no clue who you are or what you do, but is nevertheless in charge of your career development
Lock and load, let’s: 1. Get ready for action 2. Tired military metaphor borrowed from a range of overtly macho Hollywood war films; ludicrous idea that preparing for a business meeting is somehow akin to going into battle; even worse if the expression is accompanied by a hand action mimicking a cocked gun or slotting an imaginary bullet into the breach
Murrays Musings 